I am ever so slowly, and ever so often, learning the fact that triggers can, and likely will, come when I least expect them to. Take Tuesday, for instance. It was a really great day, and the Lord was directing my life in a way that I would enjoy yesterday to the fullest, and I am just minding my own business in the Springville pool with my best friend. Out of nowhere came the trigger that I least expected, the one thing I had vowed I would never catch myself doing. At least, as much as I could help it. Yet, there it was. My most recent battle popped up and was exploited once again. This time was different though. The thought was there, it came, and in my frustration, I probably did my most beautiful dive ever off the diving board. And then I turned myself over to God, so He could take away the impurities of my mind, even for a moment.
But I was angry at myself that the thought was even there. I had thought I had that particular temptation under control. It reminded me that I need to let God in completely. I've been doing my stepwork and my dailies, which is maybe the reason I was even able to turn the thoughts over to God and ask for His help. However, I probably could be putting a little more effort into my dailies.
Today and Wednesday have been pretty rough days though, because of the thoughts I had. I did not, and will never act, on those thoughts, but I still tried to beat myself up. I've still been trying to punish myself, as it were, by thinking negatively about myself. So I slipped. Both Tuesday and Wednesday night I slipped. Now it is time to pick myself up again, turn everything back over to the Lord, and let Him forgive me and help me to move forward.
As I let God lead, I will begin to heal again, and I will begin to progress. I know this, and I know that He is there, reaching out His hand to lift me up. So, I will turn to Him, and I will let Him take this away, and I will try to allow myself more vulnerability so that God can guide me and direct me the way He has intended.
I really appreciate your honesty--publicly addressing your problem like this takes a lot of courage! I also really agree and believe that God can help you heal and overcome this. From my perspective (and we're probably on the same page, just with different words), I think God expects us to take steps into the darkness...THEN he'll reveal the solid ground. What that might look like in practice might be not going to pools even though swimming is great exercise, it's a wholesome recreational activity, etc. I don't know the exact nature of your trigger, but for me, even going to a pool would be asking for trouble. Thanks for your post, and good luck!
ReplyDeleteThat particular day, that was trouble for me. It seemed so innocent and harmless, but that day it was not. Thank you for your comment, that helps me, too. Good luck with to you as well.
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