It is interesting to me to see just how hard Satan tries to bring us down. I could be the happiest, most grateful person in the world, and Satan will come. I could be the poorest, yet the humblest of people in the world-but Satan will still come. When I am miserable and in the throes of addiction, he comes less, but he is still there. He is there the moment he feels me slipping out of his clutches, he is there at the slightest promise or sliver of hope. I'm learning that it doesn't matter to him what the sliver of hope or the silver lining is, he will try to destroy it. With fear, insecurity, doubt, discouragement, and most of all-shame; he will do anything it takes to keep me locked in his chains. Even today, he caught my glimmer of excitement, my glimpse of a love that could last into eternity, and immediately he was there to squelch it, throwing his fiery darts of insecurities, disappointments, doubts, and jealousies. After a year and 8 months in the addiction recovery program, and a year and a half of sobriety, he still comes. Much more often than he was coming a year and a half ago, to be sure. But that doesn't make me tolerate it any better. The frequency of his visits just prove to show me that I am on the Lord's team and that I am heading the right direction. His visits are still as frustrating and discouraging as all get out. Being on the Lord's side, I am just better equipped to handle Satan's temptations and visits now.
Last night I began to trust my gut instinct in a certain area of my life. Trusting this instinct lifted me to higher heights, and the beginning of cloud 9. Soaring through the clouds, I went on about my life. Tonight, Satan began to destroy my confidence. From his point of view, I was not worthy to be respected by any man. Apparently I was never going to change, and I was going about a new relationship all wrong. My addict began to raise her ugly head, and according to her, I was destroying a future with my dear friend by talking to him and emotionally connecting with him instead of letting her take over and lead. It seems my addict has finally decided to make her appearance as this relationship becomes more serious.
Yet, this time, the difference is that I am with Christ. I'm on His team now, and his strength is there to buoy me up when Satan tries to tell me I am not enough, that I will never change, that I can never be the person I want to be with eternity in my future. He does not mock. Christ encourages, guides, and loves. His strength is that of a pure and undying love that I can only understand in part, and it is His love, His strength, and His gift that allows me to remind Satan that he has no power over me now, that I am a daughter of my Father in Heaven, and I am worthy of the things He chooses to bless me with. God reminds me that even if I was the only one His Atonement was for, I am worth it and He would still have fulfilled His purpose on this earth. Through God I am reminded that my past is my past, and that cannot rule me now, the Atonement has washed it away, and will continue to wash away my mistakes if I earnestly seek and honestly strive to use It and to be His disciple. Whatever the risks involved, Christ is my Master now, and He will guide me on the path that I must go, picking me up when I fall, soothing my fear, and loving me as His daughter.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
One Day at a Time
The best things in life, I'm learning, are the things that happen one day at a time. When I think of one day at a time, my first thought is recovery. I can only survive by taking it one day at a time. If I try to bite off more than I can chew, and look at a day 3 months from now, I am going to get discouraged. In fact, I don't have to worry about 3 months from now, not really. My job is to do the things today that prepare me for eternity tomorrow. No, I am not saying eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die. What I am saying is that I may not be guaranteed tomorrow, but if I am living today the way Christ taught us to live, using His Atonement, and trying to be like Him in all that I do and say, then I can be guaranteed Eternity. And when I am living the way Christ would have me live, life is more simple, and more sweet.
It's like falling in love. I can't fall in love in a day, though sometimes I try. But I can meet someone and cultivate a friendship, and have fun. And I can do that while living the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ and applying myself to a lifetime of recovery. In fact, the best way to do it is by living the doctrines of the gospel, and the principles of recovery. Out there, running high and dry and in the world, I will never find the kind of love I am looking for, one that can last through the Eternities. If I want a love to last through the Eternities, I have to be the kind of person I want to attract, and that comes from living the truths I have learned on this journey.
It's like falling in love. I can't fall in love in a day, though sometimes I try. But I can meet someone and cultivate a friendship, and have fun. And I can do that while living the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ and applying myself to a lifetime of recovery. In fact, the best way to do it is by living the doctrines of the gospel, and the principles of recovery. Out there, running high and dry and in the world, I will never find the kind of love I am looking for, one that can last through the Eternities. If I want a love to last through the Eternities, I have to be the kind of person I want to attract, and that comes from living the truths I have learned on this journey.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
The Callings That Arise
Some days I have no idea if I am equal to the callings that arise for me to contemplate. I know they all come from the Lord and that He will help me to be the best that I can be in whatever calling He extends. Sorry, I am jumping ahead and around in my posts. This blog was supposed to be about my recovery story, which it still is. I'm just so flabbergasted right now at the things the Lord has decided I would be capable of doing.
I know it isn't fair to be flabbergasted about every calling He extends. I'm the one that had the desire to work in the temple and asked the Lord if that is something He would like me to do. When I started at the temple in August of this year, I was overwhelmed and actually terrified that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't know enough. After all, at the time I had only gone through the temple three and a half months prior. But the Lord made me equal to the task. He helped me memorize, and He helped me remember which way was up since I was so confused and always felt like I was getting lost, and He blessed me with such a love for the patrons. A love that I can only imagine He extends an hundred fold, at least. So when I was called to be a Visiting Teaching Supervisor, I remembered how He had helped me learn the ropes of being an Ordinance worker. Though I knew He would once again make me equal to the task, I was still afraid. Afraid because that meant I had to meet people, and establish relationships. Healthy relationships, which I was still unsure I could pull off. Yet, once again He made me equal to the task, lightening my fear of talking with people I had no idea existed before the beginning of November. Once again, He placed a mantle of love so pure for my girls, and loosened even my shy and twisted up tongue. Then I think I made the mistake of relaxing into my new role of loving all these people who I hardly know. Perhaps I became to comfortable, because now He is asking me to stretch my wings again, and I am afraid to fall. What good will I be to anyone if I fall?
It seems silly that I am afraid of it. I know that once again, if this is the Lord's desire to further my recovery, He will make me equal to the task. But am I up to bearing the weight? Am I strong enough in my connection with the Lord and my spiritual growth that this new calling, should I choose to accept, will not bring me back down? The last year and eight months have taught me much, and I love the relationship I am developing not only with my brother Jesus Christ, but also with my Heavenly Father. It's amazing that I can turn to Them in need and feel the Spirit guide me. Is it enough?
Maybe I am crazy, and the adversary just doesn't want me to accept this calling because it will not only strengthen my commitment to God, but it can help others see that same light. I know that Satan is terrified of me, if only for the reason that when I am on the Lord's side, he no longer has power over me. He is afraid of losing that power he likes to think he has. It's true that this could be a frightening experience, but I need to trust that it can also be a learning and growing experience as well. I'm on the Lord's side, and if I have learned anything from recovery, it is that the Lord will not forsake you, no matter how many times you give up or make a mistake or fall back into that deep dark abyss that seems to never end and have no way out. But the truth of the matter is that the deep dark abyss can disappear, and the Lord will always be there. He does not fail those whom He loves. This much I know to be true.
I know it isn't fair to be flabbergasted about every calling He extends. I'm the one that had the desire to work in the temple and asked the Lord if that is something He would like me to do. When I started at the temple in August of this year, I was overwhelmed and actually terrified that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't know enough. After all, at the time I had only gone through the temple three and a half months prior. But the Lord made me equal to the task. He helped me memorize, and He helped me remember which way was up since I was so confused and always felt like I was getting lost, and He blessed me with such a love for the patrons. A love that I can only imagine He extends an hundred fold, at least. So when I was called to be a Visiting Teaching Supervisor, I remembered how He had helped me learn the ropes of being an Ordinance worker. Though I knew He would once again make me equal to the task, I was still afraid. Afraid because that meant I had to meet people, and establish relationships. Healthy relationships, which I was still unsure I could pull off. Yet, once again He made me equal to the task, lightening my fear of talking with people I had no idea existed before the beginning of November. Once again, He placed a mantle of love so pure for my girls, and loosened even my shy and twisted up tongue. Then I think I made the mistake of relaxing into my new role of loving all these people who I hardly know. Perhaps I became to comfortable, because now He is asking me to stretch my wings again, and I am afraid to fall. What good will I be to anyone if I fall?
It seems silly that I am afraid of it. I know that once again, if this is the Lord's desire to further my recovery, He will make me equal to the task. But am I up to bearing the weight? Am I strong enough in my connection with the Lord and my spiritual growth that this new calling, should I choose to accept, will not bring me back down? The last year and eight months have taught me much, and I love the relationship I am developing not only with my brother Jesus Christ, but also with my Heavenly Father. It's amazing that I can turn to Them in need and feel the Spirit guide me. Is it enough?
Maybe I am crazy, and the adversary just doesn't want me to accept this calling because it will not only strengthen my commitment to God, but it can help others see that same light. I know that Satan is terrified of me, if only for the reason that when I am on the Lord's side, he no longer has power over me. He is afraid of losing that power he likes to think he has. It's true that this could be a frightening experience, but I need to trust that it can also be a learning and growing experience as well. I'm on the Lord's side, and if I have learned anything from recovery, it is that the Lord will not forsake you, no matter how many times you give up or make a mistake or fall back into that deep dark abyss that seems to never end and have no way out. But the truth of the matter is that the deep dark abyss can disappear, and the Lord will always be there. He does not fail those whom He loves. This much I know to be true.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Feeling a little off today
I wish I could always have happy, uplifting posts, but it doesn't appear to be working that way. With addiction, one has to take into account that some days are harder than others, Today is one of those days. Honestly, I have been feeling just a little off for a couple of days. It's a weird feeling, not really depressed, discouraged, lonely, worthless, or any of those feelings that build up inside me and lead me to acting out. Maybe it is possible that I just feel like something is being unfulfilled. Like the desire to be working right now, instead of home for yet another day while my clients are deciding whether or not they want home health services. I'm used to being gone almost all the time, and it is so hard to have gone from working 48 hours a week to working 8. It's not that I haven't looked, I have. And in fact, I was just hired on at a new company, but now I am just sitting here, waiting for hours to be given to me. Ridiculous, it is. Three jobs and only working 8 hours. Really it is driving me insane and crazy to not be busy! Perhaps there is some reason I am supposed to be going through this right now. Not that I know what that reason is. Sure wish I did thought. It appears that once again the Lord is trying to teach me. But it feels like I am not listening, or not hearing. Something is not right in my life if I am not hearing the inspiration I am so used to receiving. My dailies are not suffering, I am doing all the things I need to do every day to stay close to Christ.
Maybe I should go to a meeting, get out of this dratted house and my corner of the basement. That means going out in the snow, but maybe, just maybe it will be good for me.
Maybe I should go to a meeting, get out of this dratted house and my corner of the basement. That means going out in the snow, but maybe, just maybe it will be good for me.
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