The Callings That Arise

Some days I have no idea if I am equal to the callings that arise for me to contemplate. I know they all come from the Lord and that He will help me to be the best that I can be in whatever calling He extends. Sorry, I am jumping ahead and around in my posts. This blog was supposed to be about my recovery story, which it still is. I'm just so flabbergasted right now at the things the Lord has decided I would be capable of doing.

I know it isn't fair to be flabbergasted about every calling He extends. I'm the one that had the desire to work in the temple and asked the Lord if that is something He would like me to do. When I started at the temple in August of this year, I was overwhelmed and actually terrified that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't know enough. After all, at the time I had only gone through the temple three and a half months prior. But the Lord made me equal to the task. He helped me memorize, and He helped me remember which way was up since I was so confused and always felt like I was getting lost, and He blessed me with such a love for the patrons. A love that I can only imagine He extends an hundred fold, at least. So when I was called to be a Visiting Teaching Supervisor, I remembered how He had helped me learn the ropes of being an Ordinance worker. Though I knew He would once again make me equal to the task, I was still afraid. Afraid because that meant I had to meet people, and establish relationships. Healthy relationships, which I was still unsure I could pull off. Yet, once again He made me equal to the task, lightening my fear of talking with people I had no idea existed before the beginning of November. Once again, He placed a mantle of love so pure for my girls, and loosened even my shy and twisted up tongue. Then I think I made the mistake of relaxing into my new role of loving all these people who I hardly know. Perhaps I became to comfortable, because now He is asking me to stretch my wings again, and I am afraid to fall. What good will I be to anyone if I fall?

It seems silly that I am afraid of it. I know that once again, if this is the Lord's desire to further my recovery, He will make me equal to the task. But am I up to bearing the weight? Am I strong enough in my connection with the Lord and my spiritual growth that this new calling, should I choose to accept, will not bring me back down? The last year and eight months have taught me much, and I love the relationship I am developing not only with my brother Jesus Christ, but also with my Heavenly Father. It's amazing that I can turn to Them in need and feel the Spirit guide me. Is it enough?

Maybe I am crazy, and the adversary just doesn't want me to accept this calling because it will not only strengthen my commitment to God, but it can help others see that same light. I know that Satan is terrified of me, if only for the reason that when I am on the Lord's side, he no longer has power over me. He is afraid of losing that power he likes to think he has. It's true that this could be a frightening experience, but I need to trust that it can also be a learning and growing experience as well. I'm on the Lord's side, and if I have learned anything from recovery, it is that the Lord will not forsake you, no matter how many times you give up or make a mistake or fall back into that deep dark abyss that seems to never end and have no way out. But the truth of the matter is that the deep dark abyss can disappear, and the Lord will always be there. He does not fail those whom He loves. This much I know to be true.