It is interesting to me to see just how hard Satan tries to bring us down. I could be the happiest, most grateful person in the world, and Satan will come. I could be the poorest, yet the humblest of people in the world-but Satan will still come. When I am miserable and in the throes of addiction, he comes less, but he is still there. He is there the moment he feels me slipping out of his clutches, he is there at the slightest promise or sliver of hope. I'm learning that it doesn't matter to him what the sliver of hope or the silver lining is, he will try to destroy it. With fear, insecurity, doubt, discouragement, and most of all-shame; he will do anything it takes to keep me locked in his chains. Even today, he caught my glimmer of excitement, my glimpse of a love that could last into eternity, and immediately he was there to squelch it, throwing his fiery darts of insecurities, disappointments, doubts, and jealousies. After a year and 8 months in the addiction recovery program, and a year and a half of sobriety, he still comes. Much more often than he was coming a year and a half ago, to be sure. But that doesn't make me tolerate it any better. The frequency of his visits just prove to show me that I am on the Lord's team and that I am heading the right direction. His visits are still as frustrating and discouraging as all get out. Being on the Lord's side, I am just better equipped to handle Satan's temptations and visits now.
Last night I began to trust my gut instinct in a certain area of my life. Trusting this instinct lifted me to higher heights, and the beginning of cloud 9. Soaring through the clouds, I went on about my life. Tonight, Satan began to destroy my confidence. From his point of view, I was not worthy to be respected by any man. Apparently I was never going to change, and I was going about a new relationship all wrong. My addict began to raise her ugly head, and according to her, I was destroying a future with my dear friend by talking to him and emotionally connecting with him instead of letting her take over and lead. It seems my addict has finally decided to make her appearance as this relationship becomes more serious.
Yet, this time, the difference is that I am with Christ. I'm on His team now, and his strength is there to buoy me up when Satan tries to tell me I am not enough, that I will never change, that I can never be the person I want to be with eternity in my future. He does not mock. Christ encourages, guides, and loves. His strength is that of a pure and undying love that I can only understand in part, and it is His love, His strength, and His gift that allows me to remind Satan that he has no power over me now, that I am a daughter of my Father in Heaven, and I am worthy of the things He chooses to bless me with. God reminds me that even if I was the only one His Atonement was for, I am worth it and He would still have fulfilled His purpose on this earth. Through God I am reminded that my past is my past, and that cannot rule me now, the Atonement has washed it away, and will continue to wash away my mistakes if I earnestly seek and honestly strive to use It and to be His disciple. Whatever the risks involved, Christ is my Master now, and He will guide me on the path that I must go, picking me up when I fall, soothing my fear, and loving me as His daughter.
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