I am ever so slowly, and ever so often, learning the fact that triggers can, and likely will, come when I least expect them to. Take Tuesday, for instance. It was a really great day, and the Lord was directing my life in a way that I would enjoy yesterday to the fullest, and I am just minding my own business in the Springville pool with my best friend. Out of nowhere came the trigger that I least expected, the one thing I had vowed I would never catch myself doing. At least, as much as I could help it. Yet, there it was. My most recent battle popped up and was exploited once again. This time was different though. The thought was there, it came, and in my frustration, I probably did my most beautiful dive ever off the diving board. And then I turned myself over to God, so He could take away the impurities of my mind, even for a moment.
But I was angry at myself that the thought was even there. I had thought I had that particular temptation under control. It reminded me that I need to let God in completely. I've been doing my stepwork and my dailies, which is maybe the reason I was even able to turn the thoughts over to God and ask for His help. However, I probably could be putting a little more effort into my dailies.
Today and Wednesday have been pretty rough days though, because of the thoughts I had. I did not, and will never act, on those thoughts, but I still tried to beat myself up. I've still been trying to punish myself, as it were, by thinking negatively about myself. So I slipped. Both Tuesday and Wednesday night I slipped. Now it is time to pick myself up again, turn everything back over to the Lord, and let Him forgive me and help me to move forward.
As I let God lead, I will begin to heal again, and I will begin to progress. I know this, and I know that He is there, reaching out His hand to lift me up. So, I will turn to Him, and I will let Him take this away, and I will try to allow myself more vulnerability so that God can guide me and direct me the way He has intended.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Crown of Thorns
That thorn was for thee, my daughter. Will ye not come unto me? I am here with my arms outstretched, waiting to heal thy pain. Why must ye hide from me? Let now thine eyes be opened, also, and remember that I am thy Lord and Savior, Redeemer of the world. I can heal thee. Must ye seek the dark escapes of the world to fix thy pain, when I am here waiting for thee? I promise that I will never leave thee in the hole that thou hast dug. Come, take up thy cross, follow me, and be ye healed.
The words pierce through my soul as I wander from room to room, picture to picture. Over and over again I learn the truth of His love as I see His face in every corner of the Exhibit. A certain picture catches my eye, it did both times I went to see the Sacred Gifts Exhibit. Christ Mocked By a Soldier, meticulously painted by Carl Bloch, catches my eye, and I see the Savior as if He is looking into my heart. Will ye mock me also? Piercing my heart, that single thought is just enough. Just enough to remind me that I need to listen to His words, that He is there for me. Then comes the revelation, reminding me that my happiness lies with Him, not there in the dark escapes and deep chasms of Satan's territory. I"m grateful that my Lord still cares enough about me to send me the grace I have been searching for.
Two weeks later, I sit here writing this post, and I find that recovery is so much better than not recovering. The sweet joy I feel from the Spirit guides me to do the things that will keep me safe. And every day I learn something new. Yesterday, for example, I remembered that truth is truth, no matter what. If it feels truth, then it is. But if it feels any other way than truth, such as negative or discouraging or just...not right, then it is not truth, it is the lies that Satan throws at us to try and bring us down. Satan does not want us to experience the happiness that we can find in Christ. Yet, God loves us! We are His children, and He will do all He can to help us return to Him, if we let Him and love Him in return!
It's like diving, I have discovered. When we go diving, sometimes we can lose control of our form, or slip off the diving board, or fall flat on our faces in the water. But usually that doesn't deter us. Usually we get back up and try again. A bad dive is not the end of the world, and it usually does not have the power to defeat us. As we practice diving, and continue to get up and keep trying, then diving becomes easier and natural. Recovery works the same way. Often times we fall, we slip, or lose our balance. And that can hurt. That usually does hurt. However, we can get up again and keep trying. The Lord is there to help us do just that. We do not have to stay in the muck and grime. Eventually, recovery can become second nature and it does get easier. I would do well to remember that.
Today is a good day, and I am happy and moving forward, and I have my Savior to thank for that. As I turn my life and will over to Him, I can become ever happier, and eventually find my way into His arms when my time comes. It's amazing to have recovery and the tools that can help us to recover as we strive to live the values we have learned and be the people our Father in Heaven created us to be.
The words pierce through my soul as I wander from room to room, picture to picture. Over and over again I learn the truth of His love as I see His face in every corner of the Exhibit. A certain picture catches my eye, it did both times I went to see the Sacred Gifts Exhibit. Christ Mocked By a Soldier, meticulously painted by Carl Bloch, catches my eye, and I see the Savior as if He is looking into my heart. Will ye mock me also? Piercing my heart, that single thought is just enough. Just enough to remind me that I need to listen to His words, that He is there for me. Then comes the revelation, reminding me that my happiness lies with Him, not there in the dark escapes and deep chasms of Satan's territory. I"m grateful that my Lord still cares enough about me to send me the grace I have been searching for.
Two weeks later, I sit here writing this post, and I find that recovery is so much better than not recovering. The sweet joy I feel from the Spirit guides me to do the things that will keep me safe. And every day I learn something new. Yesterday, for example, I remembered that truth is truth, no matter what. If it feels truth, then it is. But if it feels any other way than truth, such as negative or discouraging or just...not right, then it is not truth, it is the lies that Satan throws at us to try and bring us down. Satan does not want us to experience the happiness that we can find in Christ. Yet, God loves us! We are His children, and He will do all He can to help us return to Him, if we let Him and love Him in return!
It's like diving, I have discovered. When we go diving, sometimes we can lose control of our form, or slip off the diving board, or fall flat on our faces in the water. But usually that doesn't deter us. Usually we get back up and try again. A bad dive is not the end of the world, and it usually does not have the power to defeat us. As we practice diving, and continue to get up and keep trying, then diving becomes easier and natural. Recovery works the same way. Often times we fall, we slip, or lose our balance. And that can hurt. That usually does hurt. However, we can get up again and keep trying. The Lord is there to help us do just that. We do not have to stay in the muck and grime. Eventually, recovery can become second nature and it does get easier. I would do well to remember that.
Today is a good day, and I am happy and moving forward, and I have my Savior to thank for that. As I turn my life and will over to Him, I can become ever happier, and eventually find my way into His arms when my time comes. It's amazing to have recovery and the tools that can help us to recover as we strive to live the values we have learned and be the people our Father in Heaven created us to be.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Learning Again
Guys. Why is this so hard? I think I find my willingness to surrender and trust again, but I still am struggling with the most basic things. How can I turn my trust over to Him if I can't even bring myself to open my scriptures, or get down on my knees to utter my feelings to Him?
Why does this still hurt so much? Is it pride, bearing down to suffocate me? What am I supposed to do now, to learn again how to surrender and trust in the love I feel flowing around me? I know my Savior took upon Himself all my pain and suffering. This whole weekend taught me that again. He knows what I am going through, so why don't I trust Him enough? It doesn't feel like I am a person who has found their willingness and surrender. My strength still seems to be gone, like there is no real umph, no real drive. I'm not so much broken anymore. More I just...feel lost. Like I don't know how to start again.
It's not that I don't want to; I do. My heart feels so empty without my Savior there. But I feel like I still have to force myself. And I don't feel like prayer is something that should be forced. Shouldn't prayer be something I want to do, a natural outreaching as I try to better myself in Him? Why is it still so hard to find that natural outreaching? As I sit here, typing this blog, my heart is crying out to find Him again, to be wrapped in His arms and surrounded by His warmth. I'm struggling though. I can't seem to find it in me to allow that change to take place again.
Maybe it's because I am scared to fall again. I'm scared to learn again how to fly, because my wings have been broken and I'm worried that they are not strong enough. And yet, therein lies the irony, because the truth is my wings didn't break. I've been on a long journey, and I felt like I couldn't go on anymore. It was my willpower that broke; my willingness to continue on and reach the Homeland. I just...got tired, and I can't seem to convince my wings that I have taken enough of a break, that it is time to move again. Yet again, the irony is this. If my wings won't move, then God will pick me up and carry me. This I know, I have been living as an example of that truth for the last...nearly two years. Three weeks short of two years, and I let my burdens weigh me down to a point where I could not move. But God still loves me, I know He does; I know He will forgive me when I turn to Him again. So why do I hesitate? Is it because I cannot forgive myself, because I fell short of what I was trying to reach?
That's silly. I wouldn't deny anyone else I love and care about that forgiveness, that love and sweet relief that comes from letting go of the past. What makes me an exception to that love and forgiveness? God has not given up on me; I would do better not to give up on myself. Perhaps I am on the brink of an amazing experience of forgiving myself, and fully being able to put my trust back in Him. Maybe He will listen to the words in my heart, because I cannot find the words to speak.
Why does this still hurt so much? Is it pride, bearing down to suffocate me? What am I supposed to do now, to learn again how to surrender and trust in the love I feel flowing around me? I know my Savior took upon Himself all my pain and suffering. This whole weekend taught me that again. He knows what I am going through, so why don't I trust Him enough? It doesn't feel like I am a person who has found their willingness and surrender. My strength still seems to be gone, like there is no real umph, no real drive. I'm not so much broken anymore. More I just...feel lost. Like I don't know how to start again.
It's not that I don't want to; I do. My heart feels so empty without my Savior there. But I feel like I still have to force myself. And I don't feel like prayer is something that should be forced. Shouldn't prayer be something I want to do, a natural outreaching as I try to better myself in Him? Why is it still so hard to find that natural outreaching? As I sit here, typing this blog, my heart is crying out to find Him again, to be wrapped in His arms and surrounded by His warmth. I'm struggling though. I can't seem to find it in me to allow that change to take place again.
Maybe it's because I am scared to fall again. I'm scared to learn again how to fly, because my wings have been broken and I'm worried that they are not strong enough. And yet, therein lies the irony, because the truth is my wings didn't break. I've been on a long journey, and I felt like I couldn't go on anymore. It was my willpower that broke; my willingness to continue on and reach the Homeland. I just...got tired, and I can't seem to convince my wings that I have taken enough of a break, that it is time to move again. Yet again, the irony is this. If my wings won't move, then God will pick me up and carry me. This I know, I have been living as an example of that truth for the last...nearly two years. Three weeks short of two years, and I let my burdens weigh me down to a point where I could not move. But God still loves me, I know He does; I know He will forgive me when I turn to Him again. So why do I hesitate? Is it because I cannot forgive myself, because I fell short of what I was trying to reach?
That's silly. I wouldn't deny anyone else I love and care about that forgiveness, that love and sweet relief that comes from letting go of the past. What makes me an exception to that love and forgiveness? God has not given up on me; I would do better not to give up on myself. Perhaps I am on the brink of an amazing experience of forgiving myself, and fully being able to put my trust back in Him. Maybe He will listen to the words in my heart, because I cannot find the words to speak.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
I Still Love You
I am not hiding anymore. That is something good I guess. It doesn't mean the pain is gone. Now I just get to feel it, and let it run its course while trying not to get too depressed.
When I was in church on Sunday, I was so determined not to listen. I actually kind of succeeded with that goal during Sacrament meeting, and during Sunday School, sorta. But when I got to Relief Society, my Lord had other plans for me. My wonderful Relief Society president was giving a lesson on knowing the Savior and His Atonement. Sitting there, I tried so hard to hide from the Spirit and not let him in. But even in the midst of my stubbornness, I felt His arms around me, and I heard the quiet words He whispered: "Leone, I still love you. Please, come back to me." At first I was angry. Because I was mad at Him, I didn't want Him to talk to me. It frustrated me to no end that He was still trying to reach me. For some reason I couldn't understand why He wasn't ignoring me the way I was ignoring Him. Yet, He spoke, and I knew that meant I had to get off my rear and do something about it. His voice was clear through my hurt, and I knew He would still welcome me with open arms and help me heal.
It hasn't gotten better over night, but I feel His strength surrounding me as I am trying to pick up and move forward. His gentle, patient love is shining through the haze. I haven't been able to fully shake the depression yet, but I know that He is guiding me and directing me to do the things He has asked me to do, and by doing so, I know that the depression will heal as well. Slowly, but still it will heal.
My Savior loves me, and that knowledge has enabled me to let Him in, even just the tiniest bit. The cool thing is, that if He can still love me, then He still loves everyone and anyone who is struggling, or is not struggling. He still loves every single one of His children, and I know He is patiently waiting for me to completely turn myself back over to Him, and He will be there, guiding and directing me, strengthening me when I cannot do it myself.
That is the amazing thing about the Atonement, and this gospel. He has paid for all my sins, and all of everyone's mistakes. My loneliness and depression he understands too, and I know He is still reaching out to help me through. Sometimes I ignore that, and part of me still wants to ignore that, because it seems so much easier to give up and stay in my pit. But in the long run, I know that doing so will not result in the happiness I have been privileged to feel in my journey of recovery. This is a step in the right direction, and I look forward to moving forward and upward from here.
When I was in church on Sunday, I was so determined not to listen. I actually kind of succeeded with that goal during Sacrament meeting, and during Sunday School, sorta. But when I got to Relief Society, my Lord had other plans for me. My wonderful Relief Society president was giving a lesson on knowing the Savior and His Atonement. Sitting there, I tried so hard to hide from the Spirit and not let him in. But even in the midst of my stubbornness, I felt His arms around me, and I heard the quiet words He whispered: "Leone, I still love you. Please, come back to me." At first I was angry. Because I was mad at Him, I didn't want Him to talk to me. It frustrated me to no end that He was still trying to reach me. For some reason I couldn't understand why He wasn't ignoring me the way I was ignoring Him. Yet, He spoke, and I knew that meant I had to get off my rear and do something about it. His voice was clear through my hurt, and I knew He would still welcome me with open arms and help me heal.
It hasn't gotten better over night, but I feel His strength surrounding me as I am trying to pick up and move forward. His gentle, patient love is shining through the haze. I haven't been able to fully shake the depression yet, but I know that He is guiding me and directing me to do the things He has asked me to do, and by doing so, I know that the depression will heal as well. Slowly, but still it will heal.
My Savior loves me, and that knowledge has enabled me to let Him in, even just the tiniest bit. The cool thing is, that if He can still love me, then He still loves everyone and anyone who is struggling, or is not struggling. He still loves every single one of His children, and I know He is patiently waiting for me to completely turn myself back over to Him, and He will be there, guiding and directing me, strengthening me when I cannot do it myself.
That is the amazing thing about the Atonement, and this gospel. He has paid for all my sins, and all of everyone's mistakes. My loneliness and depression he understands too, and I know He is still reaching out to help me through. Sometimes I ignore that, and part of me still wants to ignore that, because it seems so much easier to give up and stay in my pit. But in the long run, I know that doing so will not result in the happiness I have been privileged to feel in my journey of recovery. This is a step in the right direction, and I look forward to moving forward and upward from here.
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