I Still Love You

   I am not hiding anymore. That is something good I guess. It doesn't mean the pain is gone. Now I just get to feel it, and let it run its course while trying not to get too depressed.

   When I was in church on Sunday, I was so determined not to listen. I actually kind of succeeded with that goal during Sacrament meeting, and during Sunday School, sorta. But when I got to Relief Society, my Lord had other plans for me. My wonderful Relief Society president was giving a lesson on knowing the Savior and His Atonement. Sitting there, I tried so hard to hide from the Spirit and not let him in. But even in the midst of my stubbornness, I felt His arms around me, and I heard the quiet words He whispered: "Leone, I still love you. Please, come back to me." At first I was angry. Because I was mad at Him, I didn't want Him to talk to me. It frustrated me to no end that He was still trying to reach me. For some reason I couldn't understand why He wasn't ignoring me the way I was ignoring Him. Yet, He spoke, and I knew that meant I had to get off my rear and do something about it. His voice was clear through my hurt, and I knew He would still welcome me with open arms and help me heal.

   It hasn't gotten better over night, but I feel His strength surrounding me as I am trying to pick up and move forward. His gentle, patient love is shining through the haze. I haven't been able to fully shake the depression yet, but I know that He is guiding me and directing me to do the things He has asked me to do, and by doing so, I know that the depression will heal as well. Slowly, but still it will heal.

   My Savior loves me, and that knowledge has enabled me to let Him in, even just the tiniest bit. The cool thing is, that if He can still love me, then He still loves everyone and anyone who is struggling, or is not struggling. He still loves every single one of His children, and I know He is patiently waiting for me to completely turn myself back over to Him, and He will be there, guiding and directing me, strengthening me when I cannot do it myself.

   That is the amazing thing about the Atonement, and this gospel. He has paid for all my sins, and all of everyone's mistakes. My loneliness and depression he understands too, and I know He is still reaching out to help me through. Sometimes I ignore that, and part of me still wants to ignore that, because it seems so much easier to give up and stay in my pit. But in the long run, I know that doing so will not result in the happiness I have been privileged to feel in my journey of recovery. This is a step in the right direction, and I look forward to moving forward and upward from here.