The choice is this...do I continue to hide, or do I let the Lord reach out and pour His strength and grace upon me? How can I let Him do that? I am filled to the brim with shame and guilt. Because I know better. Really, I know better than to let myself stick in this muck and grime, this snare that has caught and trapped me. And the only thing I know how to do now is write. Write about the pain, the shame, and the guilt. That's what this particular blog is for. It's my journey of recovery. It seems that recovery is not all pansies and tulips. There are roses too, and those roses have thorns. Thorns that prick and stick and tear. These thorns also hurt. They hurt horribly. Recovery seems to be a garden of mixed things, good and bad. But the bad hurts; it's hard to face the pain that comes.
This is a very raw and vulnerable post that I know I need to write. I need to acknowledge the shame and guilt that is eating at me even now as I sit here typing, even though I am trying to move forward and be better. Yet I don't know how. The words I am trying to find are the words that just won't come. Words about why, words about how, and words about what to do now and how to feel better and be better. They won't come. I'm not used to this. Usually my words flow freely, for that is how I express the way I feel the best. My words are like my outlet, my freedom. And I hate that they aren't coming.
It's because the adversary thrives on shame and guilt, and if I am not acknowledging my shame and guilt, then I am sitting on it and living with it. Perfect ground for the adversary to build his nest. And when the adversary builds his nest, I begin to dig the holes. Like I said, I know better than this. But in the moment of struggle, when faced with the temptation of numbing against the choice of feeling, none of that mattered. None of my recovery tools were even on my mind when the hurt and humiliation went so deep. In the moment, the thought of numbing was more appealing than the thought of turning to the Lord and getting stronger.
I've been struggling this week, with nearly everything in the book, because I didn't want to feel. I see that there is a way out, but I still want to run from it. There is part of me that still wants to hide, shut out the light that I know is waiting on the other side of this tunnel. I want to cry. At least crying would make me feel alive. Heaven knows the cold metal didn't make me feel alive. The cold metal just left it's mark and left me feeling even more crappy. An imitation of love, or warmth, they didn't do a thing either. Still I don't feel alive. I'm a numb, cold person that is empty and void, and all the things I have done so far just make me colder and harder. Only one person can feel that void, that dark spot inside of me. That one person is my Savior. He's done it before, but this time I don't feel like giving it back to Him. This time I am holding on to my addictions with all my might. As if they could ever make me feel the way He makes me feel. My addictions are empty, crappy bandaid fixes that in reality only make the situation worse. Why am I holding on?
I'm holding on because I know if I hold on, I don't have to feel the hurt, the sadness and betrayal of losing the best friend I have ever had because I consistently shoot myself in the foot. I know if I hold on, that for a few brief moments of bliss, I can forget the rest of my poorly planned out life. By holding on, I don't have to face the problems of day to day life. My problems momentarily disappear in the false security that is placed before me by the father of lies. The problem with that, is that they are maximized and compounded 5 minutes later by the utter shame, guilt, and dirtiness that I feel after acting out. And then I feel broken. Then I feel like everything has been for naught, and thus, Satan has won the battle again.
So herein lies the choice, as I pointed out at the beginning of this post. Do I continue to let Satan win the battle, or do I strive to be a better person, give it to the Lord, and allow Him to fight the battle for me?
Everything is so screwed up right now. And by that I seriously mean everything. Time to turn it over. Just need to remember how, I guess.
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