On Giving Up Control and Gaining Confidence

“We must cease striving and trust God to provide what He thinks is best and in whatever time He chooses to make it available. But this kind of trusting doesn't come naturally. It's a spiritual crisis of the will in which we must choose to exercise faith.” 
― Charles R. Swindoll

 I'm not sure how this is going to tie all together, or if it will even make sense, but I learned something about control today, and I wanted to share, and needed the accountability I give myself by writing here. 

I have started to take some horseback riding lessons. The stable I am working with so that I can ride has a lesson horse that has been working with beginners for years. We call her Cupcake, and she is a fabulous mare, and really knows her stuff. Last week I got up on her, and it felt so easy and natural, and good. My teacher said that meant I was doing things right and not fighting her. However, this week, I got up on her, and the whole lesson felt like a fight. She was turning the wrong direction, she was crowding my leg against the wall, and all around just not minding. There were two reasons for this. First of all, we were both tired. Second of all, I was anxious and stressed, and worried about other things. Because I was uptight, she was also, and I was not willing to give up the control I was fighting so hard to have. At the one point where I did relax and didn't try to micro manage her, things were smooth again.

Thinking on this experience afterwards, I realized that it works the same way with our Heavenly Father and our Savior. While they may not necessarily get uptight when we are stressed and anxious, They do still worry for us. I realize now that when I get stressed and worried, I feel insecure, and I do not trust anyone else to be in control because I am worried that something will happen that I am not prepared for. So, I begin to try and micro manage my life and my security, by trying to do everything my way and not listening to others who know better, or to my Father in Heaven who knows all things. However, my control quickly fades away because I am too overwhelmed.

Because I am an addict, I want everything to work for my pleasure. When I get overwhelmed and insecure,, I no longer feel happy and at peace, so I take it upon myself to try and fix that-since I at that moment trust no one else to fix it. Therefore my seeming control becomes more of a type of instant gratification. If I can 'control' my stress and anxiety by over spending, or getting on the internet, or acting out in any other way, then I will do it. And in the moment it feels like I have nothing in the world to worry about. Magically, my stress and anxiety, or whatever it is at that moment, is gone and I feel like I am back in control.

The reality is, I am not driving the horse when I try to hold on so tightly to that control. Instead of a relaxing, more secure ride, I feel like I am on the edge, ready to fall out of the saddle at any moment. And sometimes I do, because my life-horse rears on its hind legs because there is nothing stopping it. Yet, when I turn my life-horse over to the Lord, He teaches me how to quietly and firmly take the reins and allow the horse to work with me as I try to be a better rider, a better student. He helps me to relax, and He shows me that there is a better way than fighting against the bit. His hands reach out and take the lead rope, teaching me what to do as He walks by my side guiding me. That is when I gain the confidence and the strength to live as I have been taught to live. And that is when, working with the Teacher, I become an all star student. But it only happens if I turn to Him and give Him the control I am fighting so hard to keep. In reality, the control comes from giving Him the reins and allowing Him to lead, guide, and show me what I need to do.

Overcoming Depression

I didn't post on Thursday. Partly it was because I haven't had a moment to stop and breathe, let alone type, this week. And the other part is that I have been struggling with a deep dark depression cloud for the last month and a half that is slowly starting to lift.

So the question I am faced with is, what can I do to help the depression cloud tear so that a little light can come in again? This week I have found that writing every night, even just one thing I was grateful for during the day, has been a huge help. I am finding that if I try to find the room to be grateful, even when I don't want to be, I cannot hear Satan's lies as loudly. They are still there, make no mistake about that. But they are not front and center when I am making it a point to be grateful.

Every day I turn the depression over to my Savior, and every day it starts to lessen even just a little more. I know that the times I am the happiest are when I am trying to live the gospel with my whole heart, and trying to know my Father and my Savior. I've been struggling with that over the last little while, but over this last week things have started to look up again, and I know I am not alone, though some days I feel terribly alone.

The alone feeling is what Satan wants us to feel, because in feeling alone, there seems to be no reason to turn to a God who seems to not pay attention to us. If we feel alone, then Satan has managed to convince us that there is no one who knows how we are feeling, or what we are going through. This is a lie. Every word that Satan uses to tell us that we are alone, or will always be lonely, or are worthless, reeks of falsehood. It does not feel truth. Truth does not leave us feeling down and out and discouraged the way Satan's lies do. God is near, and He is aware of us. He is aware of me, He is aware of you. There is no way to get around His awareness of us. And there does not have to be any reason for us to feel like He does not care. When we turn to Him, He will do all that He can to help us and bring us to a point where we can grow. Last night, for instance, I had a really restless client and so did not sleep well at all. Finally around 7 o' clock this morning, I asked the Lord if He would please help this client to rest so that I could get even an hour and a half worth of sleep, to have the strength to continue on through the day. After my prayer, I ended up being blessed with three peaceful hours, and I was able to sleep for two of them before I needed to get up and get some things at the client's house taken care of.

He answered my prayer, even though that seems like something so simple. It may seem simple, but it meant the world to me this morning, and I know that if God was not aware of me, that would not have happened. I'm grateful to know that when things are important to us, the children of our Divine Heavenly Father, they become important to Him as well. I love my Savior, and my Heavenly Father. My prayer now is that this dark cloud will continue to get lighter, and the sun will shine through so that I can continue becoming the daughter He created me to be.

Learning to Love Again

So I have vowed to keep this blog up weekly, yet as I sit here, I don't have the thoughts to write. Yet, I made a promise to myself. And now I sit here, typing, and hoping the words will come. If not for anyone else, I sit here, trying to be accountable at least to myself. While sitting here, I remember that my best friend sent my own poetry back to me the other day. I was having a bit of a down day, and I had mentioned that to her. That evening she sent me the last three verses of a poem I have recently written. The three verses go like this:

Don't forget I love thee still,

I will help thee climb the hill.

Reach up to take my arm,

I'll keep thee safe from harm.

Trust in me to make thee strong,

I will carry thee along.

From these wounds will come a time-

Joy and happiness sublime.

Dear child, have some faith,

I come with love unfeigned.

I will not let thee down-

I will be here, all around.

I am grateful to her for reminding me of these words, because these words remind me that God is with me, and though I am not by any means perfect, He still loves me, and always will. My friend reminds me of that Christlike love. Some days I don't know why she-or anyone, for that matter- even cares about me. It makes me realize that I need to be my own best friend. But I am still learning how to do that. My mind simply has not been able to fathom what it means to love, and the fact that there are people who care about me. And that My Savior isn't just going to leave me in the dust to pick myself up and brush off. No. He is there to do the picking up, and when He can't be there, well...He sends angels to be with us. So why should I question that? What makes me too good, or too bad, to have people in my life who love me? New journey...I must learn how to love myself and be my own best friend before I can be of much help to anyone. In reality, I must see myself the way my Heavenly Father and my brother Jesus Christ see me, before I can truly achieve the potential I was created to achieve. That helps. Kind of. Now I just need to take it to my Savior and ask Him to help me, because I know He will. After all, He has been there through everything in the past, right, so why not this too?