Wednesday, May 21, 2014

On Giving Up Control and Gaining Confidence

We must cease striving and trust God to provide what He thinks is best and in whatever time He chooses to make it available. But this kind of trusting doesn't come naturally. It's a spiritual crisis of the will in which we must choose to exercise faith.” 
― Charles R. Swindoll

 I'm not sure how this is going to tie all together, or if it will even make sense, but I learned something about control today, and I wanted to share, and needed the accountability I give myself by writing here. 

I have started to take some horseback riding lessons. The stable I am working with so that I can ride has a lesson horse that has been working with beginners for years. We call her Cupcake, and she is a fabulous mare, and really knows her stuff. Last week I got up on her, and it felt so easy and natural, and good. My teacher said that meant I was doing things right and not fighting her. However, this week, I got up on her, and the whole lesson felt like a fight. She was turning the wrong direction, she was crowding my leg against the wall, and all around just not minding. There were two reasons for this. First of all, we were both tired. Second of all, I was anxious and stressed, and worried about other things. Because I was uptight, she was also, and I was not willing to give up the control I was fighting so hard to have. At the one point where I did relax and didn't try to micro manage her, things were smooth again.

Thinking on this experience afterwards, I realized that it works the same way with our Heavenly Father and our Savior. While they may not necessarily get uptight when we are stressed and anxious, They do still worry for us. I realize now that when I get stressed and worried, I feel insecure, and I do not trust anyone else to be in control because I am worried that something will happen that I am not prepared for. So, I begin to try and micro manage my life and my security, by trying to do everything my way and not listening to others who know better, or to my Father in Heaven who knows all things. However, my control quickly fades away because I am too overwhelmed.

Because I am an addict, I want everything to work for my pleasure. When I get overwhelmed and insecure,, I no longer feel happy and at peace, so I take it upon myself to try and fix that-since I at that moment trust no one else to fix it. Therefore my seeming control becomes more of a type of instant gratification. If I can 'control' my stress and anxiety by over spending, or getting on the internet, or acting out in any other way, then I will do it. And in the moment it feels like I have nothing in the world to worry about. Magically, my stress and anxiety, or whatever it is at that moment, is gone and I feel like I am back in control.

The reality is, I am not driving the horse when I try to hold on so tightly to that control. Instead of a relaxing, more secure ride, I feel like I am on the edge, ready to fall out of the saddle at any moment. And sometimes I do, because my life-horse rears on its hind legs because there is nothing stopping it. Yet, when I turn my life-horse over to the Lord, He teaches me how to quietly and firmly take the reins and allow the horse to work with me as I try to be a better rider, a better student. He helps me to relax, and He shows me that there is a better way than fighting against the bit. His hands reach out and take the lead rope, teaching me what to do as He walks by my side guiding me. That is when I gain the confidence and the strength to live as I have been taught to live. And that is when, working with the Teacher, I become an all star student. But it only happens if I turn to Him and give Him the control I am fighting so hard to keep. In reality, the control comes from giving Him the reins and allowing Him to lead, guide, and show me what I need to do.

2 comments:

  1. Leone, you have such a wonderful way of putting things! That was a beautiful analogy. You have grown up a lot and I really look up to you! Thanks for being a strong example of how to keep pressing forward. :)

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  2. nice work sharing the responsibility ... whose more important, the horse or the rider?

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