Why does this still hurt so much? Is it pride, bearing down to suffocate me? What am I supposed to do now, to learn again how to surrender and trust in the love I feel flowing around me? I know my Savior took upon Himself all my pain and suffering. This whole weekend taught me that again. He knows what I am going through, so why don't I trust Him enough? It doesn't feel like I am a person who has found their willingness and surrender. My strength still seems to be gone, like there is no real umph, no real drive. I'm not so much broken anymore. More I just...feel lost. Like I don't know how to start again.
It's not that I don't want to; I do. My heart feels so empty without my Savior there. But I feel like I still have to force myself. And I don't feel like prayer is something that should be forced. Shouldn't prayer be something I want to do, a natural outreaching as I try to better myself in Him? Why is it still so hard to find that natural outreaching? As I sit here, typing this blog, my heart is crying out to find Him again, to be wrapped in His arms and surrounded by His warmth. I'm struggling though. I can't seem to find it in me to allow that change to take place again.
Maybe it's because I am scared to fall again. I'm scared to learn again how to fly, because my wings have been broken and I'm worried that they are not strong enough. And yet, therein lies the irony, because the truth is my wings didn't break. I've been on a long journey, and I felt like I couldn't go on anymore. It was my willpower that broke; my willingness to continue on and reach the Homeland. I just...got tired, and I can't seem to convince my wings that I have taken enough of a break, that it is time to move again. Yet again, the irony is this. If my wings won't move, then God will pick me up and carry me. This I know, I have been living as an example of that truth for the last...nearly two years. Three weeks short of two years, and I let my burdens weigh me down to a point where I could not move. But God still loves me, I know He does; I know He will forgive me when I turn to Him again. So why do I hesitate? Is it because I cannot forgive myself, because I fell short of what I was trying to reach?
That's silly. I wouldn't deny anyone else I love and care about that forgiveness, that love and sweet relief that comes from letting go of the past. What makes me an exception to that love and forgiveness? God has not given up on me; I would do better not to give up on myself. Perhaps I am on the brink of an amazing experience of forgiving myself, and fully being able to put my trust back in Him. Maybe He will listen to the words in my heart, because I cannot find the words to speak.
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