Robins and Roses

Recently I have made a discovery. Wild roses look nothing like regular, tame rose bushes. And yet, even so, they are one and the same. More importantly, their beauty is not lessened in the slightest because they are different. In fact, completely the opposite has happened. A wild rose has every bit as much beauty as a regular rose, if not more. Just because it got there differently should not matter to the eye of the beholder. We as humans are like that as well.

I started to write this blog weeks ago, but in the dark abyss of my depression, even writing has been too painful for me for the last little while. During my work as a home health aide, I have seen people in many different walks of life. But there is one theme that remains common between all of my clients, and that is the belief in someone, or something, more powerful than them, who is always there for them. While I know this being as my Heavenly Father, there has been a part of me lately that has been struggling with that belief. Knowing, I have discovered, is not believing. All people go through a period of time where they try to find their beliefs, but the important thing is that when they find them, the person begins to see his, or her, beauty through the eyes of Christ; even though they may not recognize Him as Christ. Little do they know, they already have been beautiful in the sight of God because He is our Father. He may get disappointed by us at times, but He is always there, ready to reach out His hand if we turn to Him.

I came across a song recently that really spoke to me and reminded me to turn to Heavenly Father and remember my worth in His eyes. It is called What His Love is For, by an LDS boy band, Jericho Road. Though I looked for a movie and an mp3, I could find neither, so here are the lyrics.

You say the world is cold and gray.
Your eyes are brave,
But your confidence is slipping away.

(Refrain 1)
I see shadows
move across your face.
And I wish I could save you.
Take you from this place.

(Chorus)
Beyond the ache you feel right now.
There’s one who feels it more.
So worry not and let it go.
That’s what His love is for…
That’s what His love is for…

You think you’ve got to,
Carry this all on your own.
So hard for me to see you try
And do it all alone.

(Refrain 2)
I’m here for you
I’ve been where you are.
But He then will find you,
Just open up your heart.

Beyond the ache you feel right now.
There’s one who feels it more.
So worry not and let it go.
That’s what His love is for…

(Bridge)
And nothing you can do will change His love
For you… For you…
Whatever it is He will be there…
Be there for you…

(Repeat Chorus 2x)

I also heard a song by the same band called every single tear. That is a video I can upload, and it is also an amazing song, so here it is. Enjoy. Perhaps it can help someone the same way it helped me.

On Giving Up Control and Gaining Confidence

“We must cease striving and trust God to provide what He thinks is best and in whatever time He chooses to make it available. But this kind of trusting doesn't come naturally. It's a spiritual crisis of the will in which we must choose to exercise faith.” 
― Charles R. Swindoll

 I'm not sure how this is going to tie all together, or if it will even make sense, but I learned something about control today, and I wanted to share, and needed the accountability I give myself by writing here. 

I have started to take some horseback riding lessons. The stable I am working with so that I can ride has a lesson horse that has been working with beginners for years. We call her Cupcake, and she is a fabulous mare, and really knows her stuff. Last week I got up on her, and it felt so easy and natural, and good. My teacher said that meant I was doing things right and not fighting her. However, this week, I got up on her, and the whole lesson felt like a fight. She was turning the wrong direction, she was crowding my leg against the wall, and all around just not minding. There were two reasons for this. First of all, we were both tired. Second of all, I was anxious and stressed, and worried about other things. Because I was uptight, she was also, and I was not willing to give up the control I was fighting so hard to have. At the one point where I did relax and didn't try to micro manage her, things were smooth again.

Thinking on this experience afterwards, I realized that it works the same way with our Heavenly Father and our Savior. While they may not necessarily get uptight when we are stressed and anxious, They do still worry for us. I realize now that when I get stressed and worried, I feel insecure, and I do not trust anyone else to be in control because I am worried that something will happen that I am not prepared for. So, I begin to try and micro manage my life and my security, by trying to do everything my way and not listening to others who know better, or to my Father in Heaven who knows all things. However, my control quickly fades away because I am too overwhelmed.

Because I am an addict, I want everything to work for my pleasure. When I get overwhelmed and insecure,, I no longer feel happy and at peace, so I take it upon myself to try and fix that-since I at that moment trust no one else to fix it. Therefore my seeming control becomes more of a type of instant gratification. If I can 'control' my stress and anxiety by over spending, or getting on the internet, or acting out in any other way, then I will do it. And in the moment it feels like I have nothing in the world to worry about. Magically, my stress and anxiety, or whatever it is at that moment, is gone and I feel like I am back in control.

The reality is, I am not driving the horse when I try to hold on so tightly to that control. Instead of a relaxing, more secure ride, I feel like I am on the edge, ready to fall out of the saddle at any moment. And sometimes I do, because my life-horse rears on its hind legs because there is nothing stopping it. Yet, when I turn my life-horse over to the Lord, He teaches me how to quietly and firmly take the reins and allow the horse to work with me as I try to be a better rider, a better student. He helps me to relax, and He shows me that there is a better way than fighting against the bit. His hands reach out and take the lead rope, teaching me what to do as He walks by my side guiding me. That is when I gain the confidence and the strength to live as I have been taught to live. And that is when, working with the Teacher, I become an all star student. But it only happens if I turn to Him and give Him the control I am fighting so hard to keep. In reality, the control comes from giving Him the reins and allowing Him to lead, guide, and show me what I need to do.

Overcoming Depression

I didn't post on Thursday. Partly it was because I haven't had a moment to stop and breathe, let alone type, this week. And the other part is that I have been struggling with a deep dark depression cloud for the last month and a half that is slowly starting to lift.

So the question I am faced with is, what can I do to help the depression cloud tear so that a little light can come in again? This week I have found that writing every night, even just one thing I was grateful for during the day, has been a huge help. I am finding that if I try to find the room to be grateful, even when I don't want to be, I cannot hear Satan's lies as loudly. They are still there, make no mistake about that. But they are not front and center when I am making it a point to be grateful.

Every day I turn the depression over to my Savior, and every day it starts to lessen even just a little more. I know that the times I am the happiest are when I am trying to live the gospel with my whole heart, and trying to know my Father and my Savior. I've been struggling with that over the last little while, but over this last week things have started to look up again, and I know I am not alone, though some days I feel terribly alone.

The alone feeling is what Satan wants us to feel, because in feeling alone, there seems to be no reason to turn to a God who seems to not pay attention to us. If we feel alone, then Satan has managed to convince us that there is no one who knows how we are feeling, or what we are going through. This is a lie. Every word that Satan uses to tell us that we are alone, or will always be lonely, or are worthless, reeks of falsehood. It does not feel truth. Truth does not leave us feeling down and out and discouraged the way Satan's lies do. God is near, and He is aware of us. He is aware of me, He is aware of you. There is no way to get around His awareness of us. And there does not have to be any reason for us to feel like He does not care. When we turn to Him, He will do all that He can to help us and bring us to a point where we can grow. Last night, for instance, I had a really restless client and so did not sleep well at all. Finally around 7 o' clock this morning, I asked the Lord if He would please help this client to rest so that I could get even an hour and a half worth of sleep, to have the strength to continue on through the day. After my prayer, I ended up being blessed with three peaceful hours, and I was able to sleep for two of them before I needed to get up and get some things at the client's house taken care of.

He answered my prayer, even though that seems like something so simple. It may seem simple, but it meant the world to me this morning, and I know that if God was not aware of me, that would not have happened. I'm grateful to know that when things are important to us, the children of our Divine Heavenly Father, they become important to Him as well. I love my Savior, and my Heavenly Father. My prayer now is that this dark cloud will continue to get lighter, and the sun will shine through so that I can continue becoming the daughter He created me to be.

Learning to Love Again

So I have vowed to keep this blog up weekly, yet as I sit here, I don't have the thoughts to write. Yet, I made a promise to myself. And now I sit here, typing, and hoping the words will come. If not for anyone else, I sit here, trying to be accountable at least to myself. While sitting here, I remember that my best friend sent my own poetry back to me the other day. I was having a bit of a down day, and I had mentioned that to her. That evening she sent me the last three verses of a poem I have recently written. The three verses go like this:

Don't forget I love thee still,

I will help thee climb the hill.

Reach up to take my arm,

I'll keep thee safe from harm.

Trust in me to make thee strong,

I will carry thee along.

From these wounds will come a time-

Joy and happiness sublime.

Dear child, have some faith,

I come with love unfeigned.

I will not let thee down-

I will be here, all around.

I am grateful to her for reminding me of these words, because these words remind me that God is with me, and though I am not by any means perfect, He still loves me, and always will. My friend reminds me of that Christlike love. Some days I don't know why she-or anyone, for that matter- even cares about me. It makes me realize that I need to be my own best friend. But I am still learning how to do that. My mind simply has not been able to fathom what it means to love, and the fact that there are people who care about me. And that My Savior isn't just going to leave me in the dust to pick myself up and brush off. No. He is there to do the picking up, and when He can't be there, well...He sends angels to be with us. So why should I question that? What makes me too good, or too bad, to have people in my life who love me? New journey...I must learn how to love myself and be my own best friend before I can be of much help to anyone. In reality, I must see myself the way my Heavenly Father and my brother Jesus Christ see me, before I can truly achieve the potential I was created to achieve. That helps. Kind of. Now I just need to take it to my Savior and ask Him to help me, because I know He will. After all, He has been there through everything in the past, right, so why not this too?

Letting God Lead

I am ever so slowly, and ever so often, learning the fact that triggers can, and likely will, come when I least expect them to. Take Tuesday, for instance. It was a really great day, and the Lord was directing my life in a way that I would enjoy yesterday to the fullest, and I am just minding my own business in the Springville pool with my best friend. Out of nowhere came the trigger that I least expected, the one thing I had vowed I would never catch myself doing. At least, as much as I could help it. Yet, there it was. My most recent battle popped up and was exploited once again. This time was different though. The thought was there, it came, and in my frustration, I probably did my most beautiful dive ever off the diving board. And then I turned myself over to God, so He could take away the impurities of my mind, even for a moment.

But I was angry at myself that the thought was even there. I had thought I had that particular temptation under control. It reminded me that I need to let God in completely. I've been doing my stepwork and my dailies, which is maybe the reason I was even able to turn the thoughts over to God and ask for His help. However, I probably could be putting a little more effort into my dailies.

Today and Wednesday have been pretty rough days though, because of the thoughts I had. I did not, and will never act, on those thoughts, but I still tried to beat myself up. I've still been trying to punish myself, as it were, by thinking negatively about myself. So I slipped. Both Tuesday and Wednesday night I slipped. Now it is time to pick myself up again, turn everything back over to the Lord, and let Him forgive me and help me to move forward.

As I let God lead, I will begin to heal again, and I will begin to progress. I know this, and I know that He is there, reaching out His hand to lift me up. So, I will turn to Him, and I will let Him take this away, and I will try to allow myself more vulnerability so that God can guide me and direct me the way He has intended.

Crown of Thorns

   That thorn was for thee, my daughter. Will ye not come unto me? I am here with my arms outstretched, waiting to heal thy pain. Why must ye hide from me? Let now thine eyes be opened, also, and remember that I am thy Lord and Savior, Redeemer of the world. I can heal thee. Must ye seek the dark escapes of the world to fix thy pain, when I am here waiting for thee? I promise that I will never leave thee in the hole that thou hast dug. Come, take up thy cross, follow me, and be ye healed.

   The words pierce through my soul as I wander from room to room, picture to picture. Over and over again I learn the truth of His love as I see His face in every corner of the Exhibit. A certain picture catches my eye, it did both times I went to see the Sacred Gifts Exhibit. Christ Mocked By a Soldier, meticulously painted by Carl Bloch, catches my eye, and I see the Savior as if He is looking into my heart. Will ye mock me also? Piercing my heart, that single thought is just enough. Just enough to remind me that I need to listen to His words, that He is there for me. Then comes the revelation, reminding me that my happiness lies with Him, not there in the dark escapes and deep chasms of Satan's territory. I"m grateful that my Lord still cares enough about me to send me the grace I have been searching for.

   Two weeks later, I sit here writing this post, and I find that recovery is so much better than not recovering. The sweet joy I feel from the Spirit guides me to do the things that will keep me safe. And every day I learn something new. Yesterday, for example, I remembered that truth is truth, no matter what. If it feels truth, then it is. But if it feels any other way than truth, such as negative or discouraging or just...not right, then it is not truth, it is the lies that Satan throws at us to try and bring us down. Satan does not want us to experience the happiness that we can find in Christ. Yet, God loves us! We are His children, and He will do all He can to help us return to Him, if we let Him and love Him in return!

   It's like diving, I have discovered. When we go diving, sometimes we can lose control of our form, or slip off the diving board, or fall flat on our faces in the water. But usually that doesn't deter us. Usually we get back up and try again. A bad dive is not the end of the world, and it usually does not have the power to defeat us. As we practice diving, and continue to get up and keep trying, then diving becomes easier and natural. Recovery works the same way. Often times we fall, we slip, or lose our balance. And that can hurt. That usually does hurt. However, we can get up again and keep trying. The Lord is there to help us do just that. We do not have to stay in the muck and grime. Eventually, recovery can become second nature and it does get easier. I would do well to remember that.

   Today is a good day, and I am happy and moving forward, and I have my Savior to thank for that. As I turn my life and will over to Him, I can become ever happier, and eventually find my way into His arms when my time comes. It's amazing to have recovery and the tools that can help us to recover as we strive to live the values we have learned and be the people our Father in Heaven created us to be.

Learning Again

   Guys. Why is this so hard? I think I find my willingness to surrender and trust again, but I still am struggling with the most basic things. How can I turn my trust over to Him if I can't even bring myself to open my scriptures, or get down on my knees to utter my feelings to Him?

   Why does this still hurt so much? Is it pride, bearing down to suffocate me? What am I supposed to do now, to learn again how to surrender and trust in the love I feel flowing around me? I know my Savior took upon Himself all my pain and suffering. This whole weekend taught me that again. He knows what I am going through, so why don't I trust Him enough? It doesn't feel like I am a person who has found their willingness and surrender. My strength still seems to be gone, like there is no real umph, no real drive. I'm not so much broken anymore. More I just...feel lost. Like I don't know how to start again.

   It's not that I don't want to; I do. My heart feels so empty without my Savior there. But I feel like I still have to force myself. And I don't feel like prayer is something that should be forced. Shouldn't prayer be something I want to do, a natural outreaching as I try to better myself in Him? Why is it still so hard to find that natural outreaching? As I sit here, typing this blog, my heart is crying out to find Him again, to be wrapped in His arms and surrounded by His warmth. I'm struggling though. I can't seem to find it in me to allow that change to take place again.

   Maybe it's because I am scared to fall again. I'm scared to learn again how to fly, because my wings have been broken and I'm worried that they are not strong enough. And yet, therein lies the irony, because the truth is my wings didn't break. I've been on a long journey, and I felt like I couldn't go on anymore. It was my willpower that broke; my willingness to continue on and reach the Homeland. I just...got tired, and I can't seem to convince my wings that I have taken enough of a break, that it is time to move again. Yet again, the irony is this. If my wings won't move, then God will pick me up and carry me. This I know, I have been living as an example of that truth for the last...nearly two years. Three weeks short of two years, and I let my burdens weigh me down to a point where I could not move. But God still loves me, I know He does; I know He will forgive me when I turn to Him again. So why do I hesitate? Is it because I cannot forgive myself, because I fell short of what I was trying to reach?

   That's silly. I wouldn't deny anyone else I love and care about that forgiveness, that love and sweet relief that comes from letting go of the past. What makes me an exception to that love and forgiveness? God has not given up on me; I would do better not to give up on myself. Perhaps I am on the brink of an amazing experience of forgiving myself, and fully being able to put my trust back in Him. Maybe He will listen to the words in my heart, because I cannot find the words to speak.