Ignoring the Silver Lining

The choice is this...do I continue to hide, or do I let the Lord reach out and pour His strength and grace upon me? How can I let Him do that? I am filled to the brim with shame and guilt. Because I know better. Really, I know better than to let myself stick in this muck and grime, this snare that has caught and trapped me. And the only thing I know how to do now is write. Write about the pain, the shame, and the guilt. That's what this particular blog is for. It's my journey of recovery. It seems that recovery is not all pansies and tulips. There are roses too, and those roses have thorns. Thorns that prick and stick and tear. These thorns also hurt. They hurt horribly. Recovery seems to be a garden of mixed things, good and bad. But the bad hurts; it's hard to face the pain that comes.

This is a very raw and vulnerable post that I know I need to write. I need to acknowledge the shame and guilt that is eating at me even now as I sit here typing, even though I am trying to move forward and be better. Yet I don't know how. The words I am trying to find are the words that just won't come. Words about why, words about how, and words about what to do now and how to feel better and be better. They won't come. I'm not used to this. Usually my words flow freely, for that is how I express the way I feel the best. My words are like my outlet, my freedom. And I hate that they aren't coming.

It's because the adversary thrives on shame and guilt, and if I am not acknowledging my shame and guilt, then I am sitting on it and living with it. Perfect ground for the adversary to build his nest. And when the adversary builds his nest, I begin to dig the holes. Like I said, I know better than this. But in the moment of struggle, when faced with the temptation of numbing against the choice of feeling, none of that mattered. None of my recovery tools were even on my mind when the hurt and humiliation went so deep. In the moment, the thought of numbing was more appealing than the thought of turning to the Lord and getting stronger.

I've been struggling this week, with nearly everything in the book, because I didn't want to feel. I see that there is a way out, but I still want to run from it. There is part of me that still wants to hide, shut out the light that I know is waiting on the other side of this tunnel. I want to cry. At least crying would make me feel alive. Heaven knows the cold metal didn't make me feel alive. The cold metal just left it's mark and left me feeling even more crappy. An imitation of love, or warmth, they didn't do a thing either. Still I don't feel alive. I'm a numb, cold person that is empty and void, and all the things I have done so far just make me colder and harder. Only one person can feel that void, that dark spot inside of me. That one person is my Savior. He's done it before, but this time I don't feel like giving it back to Him. This time I am holding on to my addictions with all my might. As if they could ever make me feel the way He makes me feel. My addictions are empty, crappy bandaid fixes that in reality only make the situation worse. Why am I holding on?

I'm holding on because I know if I hold on, I don't have to feel the hurt, the sadness and betrayal of losing the best friend I have ever had because I consistently shoot myself in the foot. I know if I hold on, that for a few brief moments of bliss, I can forget the rest of my poorly planned out life. By holding on, I don't have to face the problems of day to day life. My problems momentarily disappear in the false security that is placed before me by the father of lies. The problem with that, is that they are maximized and compounded 5 minutes later by the utter shame, guilt, and dirtiness that I feel after acting out. And then I feel broken. Then I feel like everything has been for naught, and thus, Satan has won the battle again.

So herein lies the choice, as I pointed out at the beginning of this post. Do I continue to let Satan win the battle, or do I strive to be a better person, give it to the Lord, and allow Him to fight the battle for me?

Everything is so screwed up right now. And by that I seriously mean everything. Time to turn it over. Just need to remember how, I guess.

The Sting of the Sword

The pain is real. And it's so hard to deal with. It's a knife to the heart, and a stab in the back. I let my guard down, and I was smacked in a vulnerable spot. I"m down here at rock bottom again; numbing, stuffing, concealing, not feeling. What's worse is I can't even seem to make myself want to care. At the beginning of my relapse, I didn't care in any way, shape or form. Now I care, but I don't want to care. Part of me still does not want to feel, wants to hide in the shadows and numb the pain.

I know that doing so won't get me anywhere, but I want to plunge. Plunge down the hole and hide forever. There is a part of me that no longer sees a point in trying to recover. Some part of me is broken, and I don't know how to fix it. For awhile, I thought things were getting better. And they were, I guess, but at the moment it feels so wrong. Recovery feels wrong. Why can't I just sit in my corner and hide in the darkness that has arisen? Perhaps acknowledging it is the first place to begin. Maybe the acknowledging is a step that will put me back on the wagon. Do I want to be back on the wagon? No, not really. Can't seem to find a point in it, because I know that the moment I allow myself to wake up and to feel, I will have to feel everything. All the hurt, the sadness, the agony, the betrayal, the resentment, the despair, the confusion, the mistrust, the not understanding, and most of all the depression that is eating me up inside. Everything.

This week I have spiraled down and down into the deepest recess of my mind, calling up all the hurt and bad feelings of everything that has ever happened to me. The result is that I no longer know what I am worth. And I feel crappier than ever. Back at rock bottom, back at the beginning.

Oh, I know this is all to build character and to let the Lord raise me up to be stronger than I was. But I don't want the character. I don't want to accept the trial of my faith I am having right now. The sting of the sword is sharp, and when it strikes, one needs to make sure that all their nooks and crannies and crevices are filled and blocked so that sword has less chance of getting in. My armor was tattered and torn, falling to bits and pieces though everything looked so sleek and shiny on the outside. When the first chink went missing, I chose not to fix it, thus allowing Satan to get in at my weak moment.

I'm on the brink of losing the best relationship I have ever been in, a healthy relationship with the most wonderful guy I have ever met, and a lot of it is because of my silly mistakes. He has stood by me even with all the things I have told him about until just recently. I didn't believe there was a limit. Maybe I don't understand love, or how someone can love me, or how to show someone I love them. Perhaps I have never understood love. Oft times I find myself rejecting the love others have for me, and finding ways to prove them that I am indeed not worthy of their love. Thus I withdraw when they reach out to love me, and put up walls between myself and them. Most of the time I don't even realize I am doing it until it has already been done. And then I turn it on myself, and resent myself even more due to my own shooting in the foot.

I guess that the only place to go from here is up. Up towards God, get back on the wagon, even if I don't want to. As I get back on and pick myself up, I only can hope and pray that God will be there to show me the way, as he has been in the past. I'll be praying fervently that He will help me to bear the pain that I have been numbing all week, and pull me through it. For even though the sting of the sword is sharp, the touch of the Master's hand is gentle and loving, and wraps around us tenderly as we pull off the bandaid, air out the infection, and allow the wound to heal. It may leave a scar, but that is just another battle wound in the fight for the right.

Lies of The Adversary

     It is interesting to me to see just how hard Satan tries to bring us down. I could be the happiest, most grateful person in the world, and Satan will come. I could be the poorest, yet the humblest of people in the world-but Satan will still come. When I am miserable and in the throes of addiction, he comes less, but he is still there. He is there the moment he feels me slipping out of his clutches, he is there at the slightest promise or sliver of hope. I'm learning that it doesn't matter to him what the sliver of hope or the silver lining is, he will try to destroy it. With fear, insecurity, doubt, discouragement, and most of all-shame; he will do anything it takes to keep me locked in his chains. Even today, he caught my glimmer of excitement, my glimpse of a love that could last into eternity, and immediately he was there to squelch it, throwing his fiery darts of insecurities, disappointments, doubts, and jealousies. After a year and 8 months in the addiction recovery program, and a year and a half of sobriety, he still comes. Much more often than he was coming a year and a half ago, to be sure. But that doesn't make me tolerate it any better. The frequency of his visits just prove to show me that I am on the Lord's team and that I am heading the right direction. His visits are still as frustrating and discouraging as all get out. Being on the Lord's side, I am just better equipped to handle Satan's temptations and visits now.

     Last night I began to trust my gut instinct in a certain area of my life. Trusting this instinct lifted me to higher heights, and the beginning of cloud 9. Soaring through the clouds, I went on about my life. Tonight, Satan began to destroy my confidence. From his point of view, I was not worthy to be respected by any man. Apparently I was never going to change, and I was going about a new relationship all wrong. My addict began to raise her ugly head, and according to her, I was destroying a future with my dear friend by talking to him and emotionally connecting with him instead of letting her take over and lead. It seems my addict has finally decided to make her appearance as this relationship becomes more serious.

     Yet, this time, the difference is that I am with Christ. I'm on His team now, and his strength is there to buoy me up when Satan tries to tell me I am not enough, that I will never change, that I can never be the person I want to be with eternity in my future. He does not mock. Christ encourages, guides, and loves. His strength is that of a pure and undying love that I can only understand in part, and it is His love, His strength, and His gift that allows me to remind Satan that he has no power over me now, that I am a daughter of my Father in Heaven, and I am worthy of the things He chooses to bless me with. God reminds me that even if I was the only one His Atonement was for, I am worth it and He would still have fulfilled His purpose on this earth. Through God I am reminded that my past is my past, and that cannot rule me now, the Atonement has washed it away, and will continue to wash away my mistakes if I earnestly seek and honestly strive to use It and to be His disciple. Whatever the risks involved, Christ is my Master now, and He will guide me on the path that I must go, picking me up when I fall, soothing my fear, and loving me as His daughter.

One Day at a Time

The best things in life, I'm learning, are the things that happen one day at a time. When I think of one day at a time, my first thought is recovery. I can only survive by taking it one day at a time. If I try to bite off more than I can chew, and look at a day 3 months from now, I am going to get discouraged. In fact, I don't have to worry about 3 months from now, not really. My job is to do the things today that prepare me for eternity tomorrow. No, I am not saying eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die. What I am saying is that I may not be guaranteed tomorrow, but if I am living today the way Christ taught us to live, using His Atonement, and trying to be like Him in all that I do and say, then I can be guaranteed Eternity. And when I am living the way Christ would have me live, life is more simple, and more sweet.

It's like falling in love. I can't fall in love in a day, though sometimes I try. But I can meet someone and cultivate a friendship, and have fun. And I can do that while living the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ and applying myself to a lifetime of recovery.  In fact, the best way to do it is by living the doctrines of the gospel, and the principles of recovery. Out there, running high and dry and in the world, I will never find the kind of love I am looking for, one that can last through the Eternities. If I want a love to last through the Eternities, I have to be the kind of person I want to attract, and that comes from living the truths I have learned on this journey.

The Callings That Arise

Some days I have no idea if I am equal to the callings that arise for me to contemplate. I know they all come from the Lord and that He will help me to be the best that I can be in whatever calling He extends. Sorry, I am jumping ahead and around in my posts. This blog was supposed to be about my recovery story, which it still is. I'm just so flabbergasted right now at the things the Lord has decided I would be capable of doing.

I know it isn't fair to be flabbergasted about every calling He extends. I'm the one that had the desire to work in the temple and asked the Lord if that is something He would like me to do. When I started at the temple in August of this year, I was overwhelmed and actually terrified that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't know enough. After all, at the time I had only gone through the temple three and a half months prior. But the Lord made me equal to the task. He helped me memorize, and He helped me remember which way was up since I was so confused and always felt like I was getting lost, and He blessed me with such a love for the patrons. A love that I can only imagine He extends an hundred fold, at least. So when I was called to be a Visiting Teaching Supervisor, I remembered how He had helped me learn the ropes of being an Ordinance worker. Though I knew He would once again make me equal to the task, I was still afraid. Afraid because that meant I had to meet people, and establish relationships. Healthy relationships, which I was still unsure I could pull off. Yet, once again He made me equal to the task, lightening my fear of talking with people I had no idea existed before the beginning of November. Once again, He placed a mantle of love so pure for my girls, and loosened even my shy and twisted up tongue. Then I think I made the mistake of relaxing into my new role of loving all these people who I hardly know. Perhaps I became to comfortable, because now He is asking me to stretch my wings again, and I am afraid to fall. What good will I be to anyone if I fall?

It seems silly that I am afraid of it. I know that once again, if this is the Lord's desire to further my recovery, He will make me equal to the task. But am I up to bearing the weight? Am I strong enough in my connection with the Lord and my spiritual growth that this new calling, should I choose to accept, will not bring me back down? The last year and eight months have taught me much, and I love the relationship I am developing not only with my brother Jesus Christ, but also with my Heavenly Father. It's amazing that I can turn to Them in need and feel the Spirit guide me. Is it enough?

Maybe I am crazy, and the adversary just doesn't want me to accept this calling because it will not only strengthen my commitment to God, but it can help others see that same light. I know that Satan is terrified of me, if only for the reason that when I am on the Lord's side, he no longer has power over me. He is afraid of losing that power he likes to think he has. It's true that this could be a frightening experience, but I need to trust that it can also be a learning and growing experience as well. I'm on the Lord's side, and if I have learned anything from recovery, it is that the Lord will not forsake you, no matter how many times you give up or make a mistake or fall back into that deep dark abyss that seems to never end and have no way out. But the truth of the matter is that the deep dark abyss can disappear, and the Lord will always be there. He does not fail those whom He loves. This much I know to be true.

Feeling a little off today

I wish I could always have happy, uplifting posts, but it doesn't appear to be working that way. With addiction, one has to take into account that some days are harder than others, Today is one of those days. Honestly, I have been feeling just a little off for a couple of days. It's a weird feeling, not really depressed, discouraged, lonely, worthless, or any of those feelings that build up inside me and lead me to acting out. Maybe it is possible that I just feel like something is being unfulfilled. Like the desire to be working right now, instead of home for yet another day while my clients are deciding whether or not they want home health services. I'm used to being gone almost all the time, and it is so hard to have gone from working 48 hours a week to working 8. It's not that I haven't looked, I have. And in fact, I was just hired on at a new company, but now I am just sitting here, waiting for hours to be given to me. Ridiculous, it is. Three jobs and only working 8 hours. Really it is driving me insane and crazy to not be busy! Perhaps there is some reason I am supposed to be going through this right now. Not that I know what that reason is. Sure wish I did thought. It appears that once again the Lord is trying to teach me. But it feels like I am not listening, or not hearing. Something is not right in my life if I am not hearing the inspiration I am so used to receiving. My dailies are not suffering, I am doing all the things I need to do every day to stay close to Christ.

Maybe I should go to a meeting, get out of this dratted house and my corner of the basement. That means going out in the snow, but maybe, just maybe it will be good for me.

The Beginning

     I suppose I only have the ability to share my wisdom, love and insight with those who are reading if I start from the beginning. Growing up was rough for me. Many people look at me and think that I am the typical Mormon girl, and for the most part, I try to be now. But growing up was different.
    You see, at a very young age I was sexually abused by my biological father, and about the same time he went to prison, my biological mother passed away from cancer. I suppose it was not too detrimental to me, because for as long as I can remember, I was a pass around kid while my mother was sick. Most of the times I remember of my early childhood, I was with my aunt, uncle and cousins. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure at the time when my mother passed away I was really confused, sad, and hurt. Part of me is grateful I was not even three yet, because it's easier not to remember. Please don't think of me as insensitive and hard about it. Truly I do not remember the pain of losing my mother, not enough for it to affect me anymore.
    As grateful as I am not to remember the pain, I do know that it caused many rough things to come between my aunt, uncle, and cousins, long before they adopted me. Growing up I was selfish, resentful, manipulative, and many other things I am now sorry for; for it was these things that drove wedges between myself and those I loved, causing gaps to be created and hurt to run deep.
    Some people would look at that last paragraph and say to me 'Leone, lighten up. Don't be so hard on yourself, you were a kid.' This is true, to an extent. Yes, I was a kid. A kid with a lot of baggage and poorly bandaged wounds, with a bruised and broken self esteem that left me feeling as though the world and everything in it or about it was against me. My self worth had been torn to pieces, and I at the time did not understand why no one loved me. Too young to understand, I began to act out in ways that would get me attention, negative attention. For negative attention was all that I had known. In my 3 year old mind, I had to be hurt to be loved. So I acted on it. I did anything and everything I could think of to be yelled at or punished in some way. At the time I didn't understand what I was doing.
    As I got older, I think I began to understand in some small way that what I was doing was not the right way to go about it, but by then, I didn't know how to fix it. I still thought that was the only way to gain love. But it wasn't working the way I thought I wanted it to. So I became depressed, and that is when I began turning to things that made me feel better about myself, even if only temporarily.
    My goal with this post is not to make anyone feel sorry for me, but to give you some background as I begin to share my story, and the hope, life, and love I have found in Jesus Christ, my brother, Savior, and Redeemer.